27.8.09

1 yıl yaşasaydık

Eğer sadece 1 yıl yaşasaydık, sonbahar, ölmeden önceki son "düşüşümüz"(fall) olurdu. yani artık yolun yarısını çoktan geride bırakmış, görülecekler görülmüş, yaşlılık vakti gelmiş, elden ayaktan düşmüş ve beklemeye başlamıştık. 5 gün sonra geriye sadece 4 ay kalırdı tamamlanacak.
synecdoche new york'un kafamda bıraktığı izlerden sadece bir kaçı. insanın canı bile emanetken, tüm hayatını kontrol etme çabası ve amacı, ne kadar milimetrik şeylere bağlı oluşu, hesabının asla yapılamayacak formüllere dayanmadığı ve bazen de sadece "oldu" oluşu gerçeği... ve ardından kulakta çınlayan şu diyalog.


Everything is more complicated than *
you think. You only see a tenth of *
what is true. There are a million *
little strings attached to every *
choice you make; you can destroy *
your life every time you choose. *
But maybe you won't know for twenty *
years. And you'll never ever trace *
it to its source. And you only get *
one chance to play it out. Just try *
and figure out your own divorce. *
And they say there is no fate, but *
there is: it's what you create. *
Even though the world goes on for *
eons and eons, you are here for a *
fraction of a fraction of a second. *
Most of your time is spent being *
dead or not yet born. But while *
alive, you wait in vain, wasting *
years, for a phone call or a letter *
or a look from someone or something *
to make it all right. And it never *
comes or it seems to but doesn't *
really. And so you spend your time *
in vague regret or vaguer hope for *
something good to come along. *
Something to make you feel *
connected, to make you feel whole, *
to make you feel loved.*

And the truth is I'm so angry and *
the truth is I'm so fucking sad, *
and the truth is I've been so *
fucking hurt for so fucking long *
and for just as long have been *
pretending I'm ok, just to get *
along, just for, I don't know why, *
maybe because no one wants to hear *
about my misery, because they have *
their own, and their own is too *
overwhelming to allow them to *
listen to or care about mine. *
Well, fuck everybody. *
AMEN
sonbaharları sevmiyorum eskisi gibi...
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2 yorum :

LoLLa dedi ki...

sondaki amen olayi super :)))

Volkan dedi ki...

heheh. walla cuk diye oturmuş efet :)